Looking for something? Search for it here:


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Parody of My Resume

In writing a resume, there are certain things you want the employer to see, and things you want to say. In the case of resume writing, blunt honesty is not always the best policy.

I start my resume with a professional profile:
Energetic, adaptable, and motivated future employee with over 10 years experience in providing a consistently excellent customer service experience by maintaining a goal of 100% satisfaction while upholding a high level of professionalism, courtesy, and respect for confidentiality.
What I would like to say on the Saturday Night Live Version:
I'm a hyperactive mother of two hyperactive teenagers who thinks about playing well with others and does run with scissors when attempting to handle lazy people. For the past twenty years, I have been biting the heads off of lazy annoying people and spitting them back out through my rear end. I still kiss up to your customers while your employees will fear me.
In reality, I'm not cruel to people, or co-workers. I am energetic, and do get bored easily when there is no challenge in front of me. I have several times held back from telling potential employers TeleTech wasn't a good match because I don't sit still very well.

Sometimes I flat out get tired of writing and customizing my resume for employers. I'd like to write something into it that says something like this:
Just HIRE ME! Quit asking me questions about my behavior in the workplace and just hire me. If you read my resume, you see the skills and the behavior. In the end, I will make you a ton of money and your customers will think the earth can't turn without you.
Actually, I am tired of being unemployed. I spend more time on facebook than its worth just because I have nothing to do that earns money. So I figure
Just Hire Me and let me make you a ton of money!